What Newt Could’ve Spent Half a Million On

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In an economy where many Americans are losing their homes and most are counting their pennies presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich spent a half-million dollars at Tiffany’s … and won’t even say on what. What could possibly be that embarrassing? Or personal?

Well, sadly Lawrence O’Donnell has assured us that Tiffany’s does not have a sex toy department (though some people are just as aroused by diamonds as they would direct clitoral stimulation) so that rules that out. But even if the legendary jeweler did sell adult items few would come close to $500,000.

One would go over: a platinum vibrator with a diamond-encrusted base attached to a diamond necklace, a spiffy little trinket once purchased by David Beckham for his wife Victoria that sells for a whopping $1.8 million. Posh, indeed.

For the most part, though, even the priciest sex toys fall short price-wise. No word on the price of the diamond cock rings Eminem gifted Elton John and David Furnish with, but even this diamond-encrusted thong at $122,000 doesn’t make the grade, nor does the $55k Maison Victor white gold dildo that comes with a diamond encrusted ring (for that much you’d think it would at least vibrate). The Scarlet Armour’s Eternity Jewelry Set, which includes a white gold massager with diamond band, plus an equally spectacular earrings-and-necklace comprised of gold, white gold, pearls and diamonds cha-chings in at just $18,000. Then there’s Jimmy Jane’s $3,250 diamond-decorated Little Platinum Eternity (yes, it’s real platinum) and the gold-plated Inez by Lelo which suddenly seems like a bargain at $13,500.

Newt could have done a lot better as a MyPleasure shopper. For the cool half-mil he dropped on who-knows-what at Tiffany’s many MANY friends could have gotten holiday gifts that would have given a great deal of joy. For example more than 5000 close friends could have had the celebrated Rabbit Pearl vibrator made famous by dear Charlotte on Sex and the City, and roundabout 5000 couples could have gotten the Liberator wedge the wonderfully comfy soft-but-firm cushion that helps you get right into those difficult positions with ease. He could have helped the national health by giving upwards more than 3000 people a spiffy of Vanity VR1 vibrating Kegel exerciser. And about 33,000 or so of his buddies, or even constituents, could have enjoyed the Tenga Squeeze Play 6.0, a very popular masturbation sleeve which discreetly disguises itself as a tube of lotion.

So if you have a limited $500,000 budget to spend for the holidays you’ll get a lot more bang for your buck right here.

One comment

  1. Hmmm…. What a collection of useless things to get for your partner. “Where should I squandor my money next?” I know, a diamond encrusted dildo for my wife! Power really is obsolete. The useless things we do with money, is absolutely hilarious!

    – Gar

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