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A recent story in in Men’s Health magazine, What Every Woman Wants surveyed 1400 women and compared their sexual desires according to their ages – who wanted what in their 20’s, 30’s and 40’s. Having been all these ages (well, only part way through the 40’s) I thought it neatly outlined the qualities of each – the friends-and-fun 20’s, the rich, diversified 30’s and the relaxed confidence of the 40’s, all things to either look forward to or happily reflect on, depending on where you are.

One commonality between all three generations, however, was underscored by author Carolyn Kystra the end of the story:

“Women of all ages in our survey said they want more oral sex performed on them,” she writes. Some of their tips” Use your fingers as well as your tongue,” advises Rose, 41. Laina, 40, wants a delicate touch, “Nibble my thighs and be gentle on the clitoris.” Larisa, 41, adds “Clearly enjoy what you’re doing. Being hesitant is a turnoff; a rejection of the most intimate part of me.”

I heartily agree with Larisa, especially: it’s a huge turn on to have a partner say “I want to know exactly what you want,” and then do it, with feeling. Since the statement was one of desire for “more” not “better,” though, the problem, doesn’t seem to be one of technique so much as one of participation: The chef might make a helluva cherries jubilee but if you can’t get him in the kitchen, what difference does it make?

I’m concerned this might sound a little flip or cynical but I’m convinced that the key to getting more of what you’d like in this arena from your partner is to try one of three things: Ask “Will you go down on me?” Say, “I love it when you down on me,” or dispense with the frills and take the direct line: “Go down on me.” You can whisper it, shout it, send it in a text or write it on a cake but the best approach to getting what you desire is asking for it.

I can confidently say that I’ve never known anyone who prefers sex with women to refuse this request: it’s a tricky area for many people and they’re usually thrilled to find out they’re doing something right enough that you want more of it. And once you’ve asked you’ve opened the door to asking for specifics, like the ones Rose, Laina and Larisa gave.

On the other hand, if they’re happy to hear you want more lip service their enthusiasm alone might find them freestyling their way into doing things you didn’t even know you liked yet (not following directions is, after all, how you find new recipes). It could be a good time to let them run with your request and see what they come up with.

Would I could say there was some cute trick or clever list of tips to follow, but the only magic you need is communication. The best way to get your needs met is, quite seriously, by stating them.

*Want to learn how to better please the woman in your life? Try How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure by Lou Paget*