Orgasm: The Best Holiday De-Stressor

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Holiday tension. We all find different ways of dealing with it. Ellen Griswold stole drags off a cigarette. Bad Santa drank. Scrooge hallucinated. The Grinch committed grand larceny.

There is a better way.

With the exception of Bad Santa those holiday moments were private and if you’re going to sneak off for a relieving break why not reach for the most natural, healthy de-stressor in the world: an orgasm?

Seriously – how much more relaxed would you feel at the mall, with visiting family, looking at the credit card bills (assuming you still have credit cards) if you sneaked 20 minutes or so of “me” time (me stands for ‘masturbartory entertainment’) on a regular basis? During orgasm happy chemicals like serotonin, norephinephrine and oxytocin are released in your brain, making you serene enough that you could probably hear “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer,” for the four millionth time and not even notice.

Whatever holiday hassle sabotages your holiday cheer we’ve got a sex toy to fix it.

Family road trip. There’s the long drive. The discomfort of seeing those aunts, uncles or cousins you haven’t seen in years – and remembering why. The discovery that you and your partner have been installed in doll-sized bunk beds for the weekend. You need a Waterproof Pocket Rocket. Small and discreet so you can always have with you or just take an extra long shower and emerge not caring what kind of nosey questions Aunt Floydine asks you at the breakfast table.

Shopping. Why is it that when you were a teenager the mall was awesome, but now it’s a fortress of stress? You can still go shopping with your girlfriends but try going with a wearable vibe, especially one you can control with a wireless remote. The over-stimulating environment won’t change – you’ll just be getting stimulated in ways that make it easy to ignore (Just don’t drive with it turned on – you’ll be too turned on to drive. Trust me.).

Office Party It’s supposed to be fun but sometimes it’s just way too weird hearing your boozy boss tell off-color Santa jokes or being hit on by Creepy Chris from accounting. When the Secret Santa or otherwise-awkward gift exchange begins sneak off to the bathroom with the Fukuoku 9000 fingertip massager. You’ll hear all the dirt about who did what later on anyway…you’ll just be too calm to listen.

Discovering the family has changed plans five days before Christmas and decided they’re all coming to your place. You definitely deserve as many moments alone with Aphrodite as often as possible. If you have to go through this whole joyful ordeal on short notice, why not be high as a kite the whole time on something that’s not illegal, unhealthy or fattening? The gifts you give yourself are always the best.

Image via Sean McGrath

3 comments

  1. I like to watch the decorated tree with my thighs wrapped around our Magic Lantern Rotating Color Wheel. It’s so old and creaky that it feels like Santa himself is giving me a hearty ho-ho-ho, but experience he has !!

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