One of my favorite movie scenes is from Woody Allen’s “Annie Hall”. Annie and Alvy, who are dating, are both seeing their individual therapists. A split screen shows them both answering the same question posed by their individual therapists: “How often do you sleep together?”
Alvy: [lamenting] “Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.”
Annie: [annoyed] “Constantly. I’d say three times a week.”
To me this perfectly sums up the ‘How often should we have sex?” conundrum –one of the most common questions I get asked. It’s normal for couples to disagree over the ‘right’ amount of sex that works for them. What appears to be a feast for one might be pure famine for the other.
I have to break the news that there is no magical number that constitutes ‘normal amounts of sex. If once a year feels right to both of you, then you’re doing just fine. If there’s disparity then you’ve got some problem solving to do. First, you should always check with your doctor if there’s a concern about sexual arousal or any other sexual issues. Next, discuss it with your partner in a safe, non-threatening, non-accusatory manner. Remember this really isn’t a numbers game, it’s about finding the when, where, how and why sex works for you.
Some tips: Studies have shown that once a woman starts having sex she’s more likely to get aroused: by going through the initial motions many women find themselves quite pleased going all the way.
Some couples have found success by committing to have sex everyday for a week or a month. These situations have yielded positive results, as sex starts to become routine and couples can break through the barriers that were holding their sex back.
Life is filled with ebbs and flows. One week you might have sex every day and for the next few weeks not at all. This is the nature of relationships. Sure, at the beginning we can’t help but rip our partner’s clothes off at first sight, however, this lust and heavy attraction phase can fade over time. It’s your job to make sure it doesn’t fade into oblivion.