Considering the fact that there is probably just as much if not more masturbation going on in the world at any given moment as there is partner sex it’s kind of surprising that there really aren’t nearly as many songs celebrating how much we love ourselves as there are how hung up we are on others. Maybe it’s because others play harder to get with us than we ever do, thus driving us inexorably to poetry.
That said, the songs that do exist about onanism are doozies and since May is Masturbation Month (do they make cards for that?) here are our Top Five songs of sheer self-pleasure. So make a playlist, turn the lights down and have yourself a ball (or whatever’s handy).
She-Bop by Cyndi Lauper. Definitely the most famous, incontestably the cutest, this song, containing the lyrics “I’ve been thinking of a new sensation / I’m picking up good vibrations” made it to the final coveted spot of the Parent Music Resource Center’s “Filthy Fifteen” in 1985, songs the PMRC recommended be banned.
I Touch Myself by the Divynls Well, it doesn’t get more direct than that, does it? No euphemisms for the stunning Christina Amphlett who sang “I don’t want anybody else. When I think about you I touch myself.” We love a girl who comes right to the heart of the matter.
Doing Laundry by Nerf Herder. Okay, maybe it does get more direct with this one from pop punks Nerf Herder singing “I was thinking of you when I jerked off into my sock last night.” It’s short and sweet – heck, nothing wrong with a quickie, Captain Solo.
Dancing with Myself by Billy Idol. The best part about this notoriously masturbatory song is that he’s using his own reflection for inspiration. It’s a very different take on the whole “Man in the Mirror” concept than the one Michael Jackson had, huh?
My Ding-a-ling by Chuck Berry. As many times as we’ve heard this song it was the jaunty hook imprinted forever on our pop culture memories and not really the lyrics that include “When I was a little boy in Grammar school / Always went by the very best rule . But every time the bell would ring / You’d catch me playing with my ding-a-ling.”
Just goes to show that when it comes to this sort of stuff an oldie can still be a very very goodie.
Are there any songs that make you want to touch yourself?