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Like many people, I have been suffering from the Winter Blues. The Midwest has been EXTREMLY cold this year and finding the motivation to get out of my flannel pajamas, layers of clothes and long underwear and into the mood to get naked has been a challenge. The other day I started thinking about how many babies are conceived during the winter months and I realized some people must be finding a better way to stay warm than cranking up the furnace to 80 degrees and plugging in the electric blanket.

Sex is a great way to keep warm during these cold winter months and being creative in finding ways to burn up the sheets will only add to the heat. Sharing body heat is a great way to conserve energy and your fuel bill will not be sky high! Nothing beats staying in and having hot sex on a cold night, especially compared to driving in the snow, scraping the windshield, and shoveling the drive.

If you want to put some extra heat between your sheets while waiting for the sunny days of spring here are a few tips and tricks to help your sex life be a breeze rather than freeze.

  • Go from water to land. Take a hot shower or bath together to warm up. Lathering each other up and rinsing each other off will do more than steam up your bathroom mirrors. Then towel each other off and hit the bed.
  • Next time you hit the sheets with your partner, get in bed completely dressed. I know that is the opposite of what people usually do but shedding the extra layers while you are making out under the sheets will turn up your body heat and your sexual heat. You won’t be able to wait to get to the bottom of each other’s layers and feel that skin on skin.
  • Use those sex toys! I have a friend who told me every time she uses her Hitachi Magic Wand, she can feel her body getting hotter until her whole body is perspiring. She actually has to toss the covers off! Getting the extra stimulation sex toys can give will keep even the coldest couple basking in the warmth.
  • If you have a fireplace, use it! You don’t need to do the stereotypical bearskin rug thing to make hot love in front of the flames. Try pulling an armless chair in front of the fireplace and straddling your partner while you feel and make the heat.

Spring is on the way but you don’t have to wait for sunny skies to have great sex. You can beat the winter doldrums and lack of sunshine by making your own sunshine and melting that ice that may be giving your sex life it’s own seasonal affective disorder.

Image by digitalshay.

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Question

My boyfriend is uncircumcised — are there any special techniques or considerations I should keep in mind when we’re having sex?

Answer

As fewer and fewer parents choose to have their sons circumcised, this is going to be a more common concern. Luckily, there is really not much difference between having sex with an uncircumcised or a circumcised man. When an uncircumcised man becomes erect, the foreskin generally pulls back and his penis looks and functions no differently.

Probably the only vital distinction is that it is important to pull the foreskin back when putting on a condom. Otherwise the condom could wind up on the inside of the foreskin, which would reduce sensitivity and effectiveness and also be rather uncomfortable.

The other situation in which it is good to be aware of the difference is during oral sex (fellatio) and manual stimulation (“hand jobs”). Some uncircumcised men prefer that the foreskin slide over the head of the penis during various forms of sexual stimulation. Other men prefer that their partner pull back the foreskin while stimulating them. It may also vary by type of sensation, so that the same man who likes his foreskin pulled back during oral sex may not want that with manual stimulation. As with most sexual situations, the best idea is to ask your boyfriend what he likes.

Best,
Dr. Sandor Gardos signature

MyPleasure provides up-to-date and useful sexual education materials in combination with a store that allows people to buy, try, and learn about new aspects of sexuality. We believe everybody deserves a great sex life.
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A recent story in in Men’s Health magazine, What Every Woman Wants surveyed 1400 women and compared their sexual desires according to their ages – who wanted what in their 20’s, 30’s and 40’s. Having been all these ages (well, only part way through the 40’s) I thought it neatly outlined the qualities of each – the friends-and-fun 20’s, the rich, diversified 30’s and the relaxed confidence of the 40’s, all things to either look forward to or happily reflect on, depending on where you are.

One commonality between all three generations, however, was underscored by author Carolyn Kystra the end of the story:

“Women of all ages in our survey said they want more oral sex performed on them,” she writes. Some of their tips” Use your fingers as well as your tongue,” advises Rose, 41. Laina, 40, wants a delicate touch, “Nibble my thighs and be gentle on the clitoris.” Larisa, 41, adds “Clearly enjoy what you’re doing. Being hesitant is a turnoff; a rejection of the most intimate part of me.”

I heartily agree with Larisa, especially: it’s a huge turn on to have a partner say “I want to know exactly what you want,” and then do it, with feeling. Since the statement was one of desire for “more” not “better,” though, the problem, doesn’t seem to be one of technique so much as one of participation: The chef might make a helluva cherries jubilee but if you can’t get him in the kitchen, what difference does it make?

I’m concerned this might sound a little flip or cynical but I’m convinced that the key to getting more of what you’d like in this arena from your partner is to try one of three things: Ask “Will you go down on me?” Say, “I love it when you down on me,” or dispense with the frills and take the direct line: “Go down on me.” You can whisper it, shout it, send it in a text or write it on a cake but the best approach to getting what you desire is asking for it.

I can confidently say that I’ve never known anyone who prefers sex with women to refuse this request: it’s a tricky area for many people and they’re usually thrilled to find out they’re doing something right enough that you want more of it. And once you’ve asked you’ve opened the door to asking for specifics, like the ones Rose, Laina and Larisa gave.

On the other hand, if they’re happy to hear you want more lip service their enthusiasm alone might find them freestyling their way into doing things you didn’t even know you liked yet (not following directions is, after all, how you find new recipes). It could be a good time to let them run with your request and see what they come up with.

Would I could say there was some cute trick or clever list of tips to follow, but the only magic you need is communication. The best way to get your needs met is, quite seriously, by stating them.

*Want to learn how to better please the woman in your life? Try How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure by Lou Paget*

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It was one of those mornings.

You’ve had them. The ones on which your neighbors give you that mischevous smile – or avoid eye contact – because they heard you having mind-blowing sex the night before and think you’ll be getting Grammy for best vocals this year.

Most people, self included have some self-awareness about what they say or how loud they are in bed (remember the Seinfeld episode where Jerry couldn’t keep up with the dirty talker?). I sometimes consider it – but not for long. I can’t help that my sweetie and I have better chemistry than cake and ice cream and besides, if you can’t be uninhibited during sex, when, exactly is a good time? And how are you really supposed to adopt a lady like tone when your tush is higher than your head?

There may be no book of etiquette about how loud is too loud, but Dr. Roy J. Levin has a bead, at least, on why we vocalize during sex. The four reasons he says we raise the roof are (from the UK Guardian):

* Conveying  information – “Harder,” “Right there,” “Ow.” Self explanatory.

* Increasing arousal – Men find sound the third most arousing sense (for women it’s next to last), hence ‘increasing arousal’.

* Enhancing pleasure” or “Hedonic amplification” which may be caused not by the noise but the rapid breathing during vocalizations, which could make you light-headed.

As far as “enhancing pleasure” I once took a workshop with author/sex educator Sheri Winston in which she emphasized breathing and vocalizing.

“As you’re climaxing, keep your sounds going and your orgasm will keep on going, too!” Sheri says on her website and I’ll vouch for her being 100% right. I tried her techniques during solo sex (during which I’m much more quiet) and was thrilled with how much vocalizing magnified the orgasmic experience: it was the difference between a cupcake and a whole cake.

* Finally, fascilitating central arousal systems is Levins’ last reason and it’s a mouthful for synchronicity: your vocalizations signal other systems in your body to work together for an optimal experience.

All this said you don’t want to end up like Caroline Cartwright in the UK who was arrested for being too loud during sex, so much so that her neighbors called the cops. Personally I think that being 48, married to the same man for 24 years and still having sex worth screaming about should qualify Catherine for a book deal, not an arrest. How jealous were those neighbors, anyway?

It can be fun to try to be hush-hush, sometimes, too. If you’re a houseguest, or if you’re grabbing a quickie and don’t want others to hear, the danger of getting caught could make silence exciting.

Otherwise, be proud to be loud. Is it so bad that people know you’re having fun? And who knows? One of those mornings instead of snickering, your neighbor might ask you for a few tips.

Image by Kelly Hau Photography

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Question

I love my boyfriend very much but he is just not very good in bed. Although he tries, he is frequently “barking up the wrong tree” with where he touches me — if you know what I mean. I don’t really want to hurt his feelings by telling him he is doing things wrong, but I also want to be satisfied. Any suggestions?

Answer

While I am all for open, detailed conversations, I agree that yelling out “stop that” or “not there” in bed is probably not the ideal approach. Generally, it’s best to focus on the positive when communicating with a partner about sexual matters. For example, instead of saying, “Don’t do that!” when he is missing the mark, try saying, “Oh yes! Just like THAT!” when he hits the spot. You can also lean over and whisper in his ear, “You know what would really turn me on?” then suggest what you’d like!

Another option is to masturbate in front of your partner. You can make it into a little erotic game, taking turns, or doing it at the same time. You might even learn something more about what he likes.

If you don’t think you can bring yourself to say anything or masturbate in front of him, the best approach is to take his hand gently and place it where you want it. Show him where you like to be touched, how hard, how fast, etc. While I appreciate that you don’t want to hurt his feelings, most men report that they like it when women give them more clear feedback about what they like. However you approach it, you will certainly be doing both of you a service!

Best,
Dr. Sandor Gardos signature

MyPleasure provides up-to-date and useful sexual education materials in combination with a store that allows people to buy, try, and learn about new aspects of sexuality. We believe everybody deserves a great sex life.

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October has finally blown in after a long hot summer, bringing that thrilling snap in air and the welcome presence of ghoulies and ghosties and long-legged beasties and things that go bump in the night – and we don’t mean your neighbors in the next apartment doin’ it. We mean Halloween.

The best holiday adults ever stole from kids is on its way and with it comes total legitimacy in grown-up dress-up. For the otherwise theatrically impaired putting on a costume can make it surprisingly easy to take on a different persona – to be someone more exotic (a belly dancer?), aggressive (a pirate?), outrageous (Lady Gaga?) touchy-feely (a hands-on nurse?), feminine (Marilyn Monroe?), suave (Count Dracula?) or totally alien (Avatar?) and companies like Trashy Lingerie like Leg Avenue provide the whole set-up for adults to let our their inner burlesque dancer, cowgirl or French maid and let in the possibility of fulfilling a sexual fantasy. We also carry some naughtier costumes for when you decide that your role playing doesn’t need to leave the house.

If your partner has always hinted he wished he knew you when you were a cheerleader or teased that she loves it when you lay down the law you can use Halloween to bring out the costume pom-poms or the cop outfit (with handcuffs) and let your ensemble take you where you might normally be a little shy to go. Everybody loves being told “You are so sexy when you dress up….” (as Jack Sparrow? As Jessica Rabbit? In your uniform?) and the confidence and energy that one little compliment can instill can make for very real fun in fantasy land. A few extra tips:

  •  If you’re not much of an actor let the costume –and your partner –take the lead. If you’re dressed as a sexy gypsy you can start with reading his palm…and telling him what you see in his future that night…or tell him you read by taste and trace your tongue up across his palm. You probably won’t have to say very much else.
  • Pick up tips from erotic novels or films to get you started. They don’t have to even be erotic…with the right expression on your face and aggression in your stance the phrase “Mrs. Robinson, you’re trying to seduce me,” could go a long way.
  • Let technology help you break the ice by sending a photo of yourself in the outfit – or maybe your legs just in the shoes or stockings or your cleavage in just the corset – via phone before the evening you’ve planned. Their imagination will be your greatest asset. Your work here is done.
  • A double bonus is buying two costumes – and saving one for when he or she doesn’t expect it. The sexy stewardess or Zorro showing up in December is a playful, seductive surprise – there’s no bad time of year to be bewitched.

Sexual fantasy mixes tricks and treats, so let your costume be your guide and you’ll have a bigger grin – and a more luminous glow – than any Jack-o-Lantern on the block.

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Question

What is the best sexual position for me while I have a broken leg and am in a full leg cast? I’m 23 years-old and don’t want to hold off on sex, I am talking about intercourse specifically, until the cast is removed. My boyfriend and I anxiously await your response.

Answer

I’m sure that this is a question that surfaces all of the time but is rarely asked. Luckily, there are a couple of options available that may make your life easier.

First, think about what body positions are most comfortable for you right now in a general sense. When you are relaxing, resting, standing, sitting, etc., what types of positions are the best? That’s a good way to start thinking about possible sexual positions. Here are some other thoughts:

Have your partner sit on a chair with ample space around. Sit down facing him straddling your legs around him. This way you are able to have your weight on his body and give the leg that is in the cast room to be where it needs to be. You will also have face-to-face intimacy.

Try standing up and resting your body weight on a sink, dresser or table. In this position, the objects support your weight and your partner can face you. He may want to lift the leg without the cast for better entry during intercourse.

Another position involves you laying down on a couch or bed turned on the side of your cast. Have your partner turn towards you also lying on his side. Either of you can then lift the leg that is not in a cast, as your partner moves towards you and attempts intercourse.

The real trick is being creative! Let you mind roam and explore all the possibilities available.

Best,
Dr. Sandor Gardos signature

Dr. Sandor Gardos

MyPleasure provides up-to-date and useful sexual education materials in combination with a store that allows people to buy, try, and learn about new aspects of sexuality. We believe everybody deserves a great sex life.

Have a question you’d like answered? Email AsktheDoctor@mypleasure.com

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Question

Recently, my boyfriend was on an extended business trip during which he called me often. During one of these calls, he mentioned how horny he was and that he wanted to have phone sex with me. He started talking “dirty, which was great except that I had no idea how to respond. I wasn’t sure what to say, what words to use, or how to say it. Could you give me some tips so that next time I will be better prepared. It was a lot of fun for both of us, but I want to do more on my end.

Answer

Phone sex can be a wonderful way for a couple who can’t be together to share intimate time. It is great that your boyfriend felt comfortable enough with you to try this. Since it sounds like you both enjoyed it, here are a few suggestions for next time.

1) Remember that there is no right or wrong way to “talk dirty.” That it appeals to you and your partner is all that matters.

2) Reminisce about a previous sexual experience the two of you had that you found particularly memorable.

3) Tell him what you would be doing to him right now if he was there with you and ask him what he would do to you if he he was there with you.

4) Share fantasies.

5) Pretend that he is there, and tell him what you are doing to his body and what he is doing to yours.

6) Describe what you are doing to yourself and how it feels.

7) Tell him what exactly you enjoy about having sex with him.

8) Masturbate together and just listen to the sounds of each other’s breath.

If you are looking for more suggestions and ways to get started, you might want to pick up a copy of Exhibitionism for the Shy by Carol Queen. Much luck to you. And, remember, this is supposed to be fun, so don’t make it a pressure-filled situation.
Best,
Dr. Sandor Gardos signature

Dr. Sandor Gardos

MyPleasure provides up-to-date and useful sexual education materials in combination with a store that allows people to buy, try, and learn about new aspects of sexuality. We believe everybody deserves a great sex life.

Have a question you’d like answered? Email AsktheDoctor@mypleasure.com

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Prostate play is getting a lot of attention (as are, hopefully, the prostates themselves), but they’re still hidden away when it comes to our sexual education. Let’s face it – prostates are tucked away inside the body, hard to figure out for those of us that want to play with them, and unfortunately still part of the shame-based response to anal play for men. So, to keep you all well-versed on P-spots, I offer these ten facts…

  1. Prostates are the reason that semen is milky white. The fluid that is secreted by the prostate makes up about 30% of the entire ejaculate, and is white in color. It also helps makes the ejaculatory fluid more alkaline, to combat the acidity of vaginal fluid and help the sperm make it to their final objective – the egg.
  2. The word “Prostate” comes from the Greek word prostates, which means “to protect or stand guard over”. What’s it protecting? The bladder, perhaps, as it’s at the base of the bladder where the urethra begins.
  3. Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia, or BPH for short, is a disease of the prostate that affects older men. In it, the prostate swells and narrows the outlet to the urethra from the bladder, causing an increase in frequency of urination. There is some evidence that suggests that regular orgasms (including masturbatory ejaculation) may help prevent BPH. Just one more reason for you to stay at home, surfing the ‘net!
  4. Some men orgasm solely from prostate stimulation. In fact, some men say that they’d prefer to NOT have any penile stimulation when they’re enjoying their prostates…it can distract them from the experience of pleasure by changing the focus to a different part of the anatomy.
  5. The prostate is not the size of a walnut. It’s actually the size of a lemon! We often think of it as just on the dorsal (back-wards) side of the body, but actually it fully surrounds the urethra at the base of the bladder.
  6. Prostate cancer can be a scary diagnosis to hear – however, we’re lucky that there are blood tests that your doctor can perform during your annual checkups to help diagnose (and treat!) prostate cancers earlier than ever. And with prostate cancer, early detection and treatment make a tremendous difference in quality of life (and quality of sex life) after diagnosis!
  7. Prostate play shouldn’t actually hurt – if it does, crank back on the pressure and see how it feels. If it’s still painful, it’s time to go to the doctor – it may be a sign of Prostatitis, an inflammation of the prostate itself which is almost always easily treatable by medication. If you end up with a diagnosis of Acute Prostatitis, it’s also important to avoid pressure on the prostate until it’s completely treated, to keep the inflammation from spreading outside of the prostate itself.
  8. There really is a Female Prostate – it’s the Skene’s Gland, which is located in the region of the G-Spot and may have as much to do with female ejaculation as the male prostate has to do with male ejaculation! And the similarities don’t end there – many men share experiences of pleasure during prostate stimulation that are similar to what women report during G-spot stimulation.
  9. Prostate and G-spot sex toys can often be interchanged – the “come here” curve of a finger probing for both is the same, and as long as the girth of the toy can be accommodated and it’s appropriate for anal use, don’t let the label distract you from enjoying it!
  10. The trick to using a prostate massager, like the Aneros, is to insert it with plenty of lube and use your PC muscles to “rock” it while you’re wearing it. Slip it in, sit back, and squeeze & release your pelvic muscles in all sorts of ways to find out what works best for you. You’ll have a shooting good time – I promise!



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This tip is of special benefit for the men out there. The next time you are giving your man a little manual attention — otherwise known as a hand job — don’t just use your hand. Add a little vibration to the experience to up their excitement. You could do this in a number of ways. You might choose to apply light vibrations to the sensitive tip of his penis using a bullet vibrator or slimline vibrator in one hand while you continue to stroke with the other. You could also tickle his perineum and scrotum with a pocket rocket as you attend to him with your other hand. Finally, you might consider using a fingertip vibe like the Fukuoku 9000 on your stroking hand, using it all the way along the shaft. Whichever technique you choose, never stray from the main rule of a good hand job: use a lot of lube!

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