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Question

Recently, my boyfriend was on an extended business trip during which he called me often. During one of these calls, he mentioned how horny he was and that he wanted to have phone sex with me. He started talking “dirty, which was great except that I had no idea how to respond. I wasn’t sure what to say, what words to use, or how to say it. Could you give me some tips so that next time I will be better prepared. It was a lot of fun for both of us, but I want to do more on my end.

Answer

Phone sex can be a wonderful way for a couple who can’t be together to share intimate time. It is great that your boyfriend felt comfortable enough with you to try this. Since it sounds like you both enjoyed it, here are a few suggestions for next time.

1) Remember that there is no right or wrong way to “talk dirty.” That it appeals to you and your partner is all that matters.

2) Reminisce about a previous sexual experience the two of you had that you found particularly memorable.

3) Tell him what you would be doing to him right now if he was there with you and ask him what he would do to you if he he was there with you.

4) Share fantasies.

5) Pretend that he is there, and tell him what you are doing to his body and what he is doing to yours.

6) Describe what you are doing to yourself and how it feels.

7) Tell him what exactly you enjoy about having sex with him.

8) Masturbate together and just listen to the sounds of each other’s breath.

If you are looking for more suggestions and ways to get started, you might want to pick up a copy of Exhibitionism for the Shy by Carol Queen. Much luck to you. And, remember, this is supposed to be fun, so don’t make it a pressure-filled situation.
Best,
Dr. Sandor Gardos signature

Dr. Sandor Gardos

MyPleasure provides up-to-date and useful sexual education materials in combination with a store that allows people to buy, try, and learn about new aspects of sexuality. We believe everybody deserves a great sex life.

Have a question you’d like answered? Email AsktheDoctor@mypleasure.com

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Prostate play is getting a lot of attention (as are, hopefully, the prostates themselves), but they’re still hidden away when it comes to our sexual education. Let’s face it – prostates are tucked away inside the body, hard to figure out for those of us that want to play with them, and unfortunately still part of the shame-based response to anal play for men. So, to keep you all well-versed on P-spots, I offer these ten facts…

  1. Prostates are the reason that semen is milky white. The fluid that is secreted by the prostate makes up about 30% of the entire ejaculate, and is white in color. It also helps makes the ejaculatory fluid more alkaline, to combat the acidity of vaginal fluid and help the sperm make it to their final objective – the egg.
  2. The word “Prostate” comes from the Greek word prostates, which means “to protect or stand guard over”. What’s it protecting? The bladder, perhaps, as it’s at the base of the bladder where the urethra begins.
  3. Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia, or BPH for short, is a disease of the prostate that affects older men. In it, the prostate swells and narrows the outlet to the urethra from the bladder, causing an increase in frequency of urination. There is some evidence that suggests that regular orgasms (including masturbatory ejaculation) may help prevent BPH. Just one more reason for you to stay at home, surfing the ‘net!
  4. Some men orgasm solely from prostate stimulation. In fact, some men say that they’d prefer to NOT have any penile stimulation when they’re enjoying their prostates…it can distract them from the experience of pleasure by changing the focus to a different part of the anatomy.
  5. The prostate is not the size of a walnut. It’s actually the size of a lemon! We often think of it as just on the dorsal (back-wards) side of the body, but actually it fully surrounds the urethra at the base of the bladder.
  6. Prostate cancer can be a scary diagnosis to hear – however, we’re lucky that there are blood tests that your doctor can perform during your annual checkups to help diagnose (and treat!) prostate cancers earlier than ever. And with prostate cancer, early detection and treatment make a tremendous difference in quality of life (and quality of sex life) after diagnosis!
  7. Prostate play shouldn’t actually hurt – if it does, crank back on the pressure and see how it feels. If it’s still painful, it’s time to go to the doctor – it may be a sign of Prostatitis, an inflammation of the prostate itself which is almost always easily treatable by medication. If you end up with a diagnosis of Acute Prostatitis, it’s also important to avoid pressure on the prostate until it’s completely treated, to keep the inflammation from spreading outside of the prostate itself.
  8. There really is a Female Prostate – it’s the Skene’s Gland, which is located in the region of the G-Spot and may have as much to do with female ejaculation as the male prostate has to do with male ejaculation! And the similarities don’t end there – many men share experiences of pleasure during prostate stimulation that are similar to what women report during G-spot stimulation.
  9. Prostate and G-spot sex toys can often be interchanged – the “come here” curve of a finger probing for both is the same, and as long as the girth of the toy can be accommodated and it’s appropriate for anal use, don’t let the label distract you from enjoying it!
  10. The trick to using a prostate massager, like the Aneros, is to insert it with plenty of lube and use your PC muscles to “rock” it while you’re wearing it. Slip it in, sit back, and squeeze & release your pelvic muscles in all sorts of ways to find out what works best for you. You’ll have a shooting good time – I promise!



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Question

My partner and I were thinking about experimentation with vibrators, but I’ve heard that they can cause loss of sensation in the female genital area with prolonged use. Is this true or are there other dangers?

Answer

Vibrators are not only not dangerous to use, they are actually the treatment of choice for women who are having difficulty reaching orgasm. They are recommended by almost every sex therapist exactly for this use. Indeed, most women not only do not find that there is a loss of sensation, but exactly the opposite: As they begin to experiment with new ways of pleasuring themselves, they learn more about their bodies and the kinds of sensations they like. This leads to more sensitivity and ease of reaching orgasm even without a vibrator.

Although it is always possible for someone to become overly dependent on any one way of masturbating or having sex, I think that normal use would not lead to such a situation.

As I have stated before, research (Davis et al., 1996) has definitively shown that the use of sex aids is not only not detrimental to an individual’s sexual functioning or satisfaction, but that, actually, those individuals who use such devices alone also have more frequent and satisfying sex with a partner.

So my suggestion is that you and your partner browse through a good vibrator catalog (like our own vibrator section) that lists both the pluses and minuses of different vibrators, and explore together without worry that using one will have harmful effects.

Best,
Dr. Sandor Gardos

MyPleasure provides up-to-date and useful sexual education materials in combination with a store that allows people to buy, try, and learn about new aspects of sexuality. We believe everybody deserves a great sex life.

Have a question you’d like answered? Email AsktheDoctor@mypleasure.com

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Well probably no one needs that many, but hey, why not? And that’s how many you’ve got right now if you’re using Sex Dice Evolved, the iPhone and Android app developed by MyPleasure.  When we first created the app and decided to let users create and share their own dice, we really didn’t know if anyone would do this.  So we’re very excited and we wanted to share some of our favorites.

If you’ve got the app, just grab the code to download any of these for free.  You can see the full list at www.twitter.com/sexdice.  But you’ve got to have the app if you want to play.  What a great addition to your sex toys.

Here are some of our favorite user generated apps with their download codes.  Comment  below to tell us about your favorite.

Role Play Him/Her
(download code: 133)

Role Play Him/Her - Enter Code 133

Role Play Him/Her

Dan & Megan
(download code: 303)

Dan & Megan: Code 303

Dan & Megan

Tease and Denial
(download code: 214)

Tease & Denial: Code 214

Tease & Denial

Fantasies
(download code: 196)

Fantasies - Code 192

Fantasies

Fun Roulette
(download code: 192)

Fun Roulette - Enter Code 192

Fun Roulette

We hope you enjoy these.  Comment below to tell us about your favorite.

Related Post: Sex Dice Gets a Makeover – Sex Dice Evolved

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Is Celibacy Right For Me?What kind of women is celibacy for? What are the benefits of celibacy?

Celibacy is great for any woman who is looking to examine or redefine her relationship with her sexuality (even if it is just temporarily). For almost anyone, taking some time to become more conscious, aware and mindful about the role sex plays in your life can be of value.

Should women worry that if you don’t “use it,” you “lose it?”

There is actually some truth to that. Recent research on female desire shows that it is very different from the linear model of men’s arousal. For many women, desire comes AFTER arousal, so it is more about receptivity and responsiveness. In fact, when visualized, this new view of female sexuality does not look like the standard “climb” but more like a circle, with positive experiences and sensations feeding into more desire and arousal, sort of like a fly-wheel. Once that fly-wheel comes to a stop, it can take quite a bit to start it up again, especially if the woman is in a relationship. However, this need not be the case (see next answer)…

How can you keep your desire for sex in check if you want to be celibate?

Really, it is not about keeping your desire in check, it is about being mindful about your actions. What you need to do is define what celibacy means to you. Ask yourself what you are hoping to get from this period of time. Is it to focus more on a personal or career goal without distractions? To learn more about what you authentically want? Or perhaps simply avoid repeating previous mistakes such as jumping into a new relationship too soon? In many situations, you can legitimately be “celibate” while still being completely fulfilled sexually. You may decide, for example, that you would rather not engage in partnered activities, but that masturbation and sex toys don’t stand in the way of your “vows.” Maybe you feel that you can flirt or even make out but want to draw the line at intercourse. There is no right or wrong way to do it. In fact, I recommend starting with something easy, for a limited period of time, then reevaluate and adjust your program based on what is and isn’t working for you. If you go overboard and promise yourself things like you won’t have a single sexual thought, you are setting yourself up for failure.

Is there anything sexy about being celibate?

Absolutely! It is in the contrasts that eroticism lives. No matter how much you enjoy something, after a while you become accustomed to it and it no longer has such a strong effect. Think of the last time you walked into a room and noticed a pleasant smell. How long were you aware of it? A few seconds? A minute? By taking a break from certain activities we can come to appreciate them more, especially when we start up again.

Perhaps even more importantly, real passion comes from temptation and overcoming obstacles. The forbidden can be very enticing. If you know you can’t do something, you may find yourself desiring it all the more. In fact, don’t be surprised if you become a magnet for men once you decide to be celibate; men like a challenge, while you instantly come across as less needy and therefore more sexy!

Dr. Sandor Gardos is a licensed clinical psychologist and sex therapist and founder of MyPleasure.com.

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By Liz Langley

Premature ejaculation, a condition causing a man to reach sexual climax before he or his partner is ready, has long been thought to have its roots in stress, guilt or excitement. A new study, however, suggests a genetic component to the problem in almost the same breath in which a pill to treat the condition went on sale in the UK.

PE has typically been treated with relaxation therapies, desensitizing creams or other techniques like “the squeeze method,” described here on Medicine Plus, a US government health website thus: as the man is about to ejaculate “the man or his partner gently squeezes the end of the penis (where the glans meets the shaft) for several seconds. Stop sexual stimulation for about 30 seconds, and then start it again,” repeating until ejaculation is desired.

On the same page, however, there’s a clue as to a future PE treatment. Some patients, it says, were finding relief through antidepressants because they delay ejaculation. The new UK drug, Priligy (dapoxetine) regulates the brain’s seratonin levels which give a man more control over when he ejaculates. It’s has already been approved in several other European countries and is selling in England for an eye-popping $118 for three pills (it’s taken one to three hours before sex).

Interestingly, Priligy is only prescribed online. While an estimated 30% of men suffer from premature ejaculation many are too embarrassed to discuss the problem with a doctor. The online consultations are meant to remove that obstacle according to a spokesperson at Lloydspharmacy who is providing the service. After a consultation the pills are delivered to the patient securely through the mail.

Now, however, it looks like men don’t need to be embarrassed about the problem – they can blame an ancestor.

Researchers in Sweden and Finland studied saliva samples from 1300 men to test for “defects in a dopamine transporter gene DAT1,” according to the Daily Mail UK. Men with a variation in the gene were “much more like to suffer from premature ejaculation.” The study was published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

Priligy has not yet been approved by the FDA though according to this comprehensive MSNBC story on the subject, Johnson & Johnson applied for approval in 2005 but were turned down. Interestingly the story brings up the idea that introducing the medication to the market might give some men who are perfectly health the idea that they have a problem, i.e., the cure inspiring ideas of a disease they don’t really have.

And now that you’re wondering it also says the average guy lasts about six minutes….but please don’t get out the timer. Most women take a lot of things to bed – desire for passion, intimacy and all kinds of play. Not many take a stopwatch.

About Liz Langley
Liz Langley is a freelance writer whose work has appeared in about 20 publications – to see more go to www.lizlangley.com

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So you’re good with the whole sex toy thing: you’ve settled on a few favorites and they’re nicely nestled into your nightstand for easy access. Now, what to do about “the introduction” – how do you integrate sex toys into your love making routine? Well, here are a few of our favorite sex positions to use with sex toys:

1. GIRL ON TOP – Vibrating Erection Ring
This is definitely a two-fer, the vibrating erection ring like the Berrylicious Ring – is a perfect couples toy because you’re not only sharing the moment but you’re literally sharing the sex toy. Often we use sex toys with our partner as either helper or voyeur, but this toy is for dual stimulation which equals more fun for everyone. When the woman is on top it allows her to control the intensity of the vibrations and guarantee just the right amount of vibration to take her over the edge.

2. DOGGY STYLE – Clitoral Stimulator
This doggy style position feels particularly good for the man as he’s able to penetrate more deeply. Since most women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm this is the perfect time to use the Layaspot. Either you or your partner can hold it against her clitoris for direct stimulation and pleasure.

3. ORAL SEX FOR HER – Slimline Vaginal Vibrator
Nothing quite compliments your tongue action like your new best friend the Hearts Desire. You’re doing just fine with your tongue but there’s nothing like adding some extra pleasure as well. Many women enjoy being stimulated both internally and externally and this will surely add the “wow” factor you’ve been waiting for.

4. ORAL SEX FOR HIM – Bullet Vibes
The Crystal High Intensity Bullet is no doubt the perfect his and her accoutrement any time you’re pleasing your man. A vibrator can provide stimulation on the head, shaft and base of the penis, as well as the testicles. Just lightly touch him all over with it.

5. GUY ON TOP- Small Clitoral Pocket Rocket
Clitoral stimulation is always an important part of any sex act so why not make the missionary more fun with a MyPleasure Waterproof Pocket Rocket. It will spice up any missionary position and ensure sufficient clitoral stimulation.

For some advice on how to introduce sex toys to your relationship and try out some of the positions/ideas listed above read MyPleasure “Introducing Sex Toys Into Your Relationship”.

If you’ve tried using sex toys during sex what positions did you use – please share your comments below? We’d love to hear from you.

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