A number of celebrities have either launched or been asked to launch their own lines of sex toys lately – the only problem is that if you’re a hopeless antique, like me, they are celebrities you might never have heard of. Grammy-winning, Real Housewives of Atlanta-starring Kandi Burruss just introduced her new line, in conjunction with OhMiBod: Bedroom Kandi. Phil Varone, former drummer for Skid Row who also appeared on Celebrity Sex Rehab (which is why I know who he is) also has his own line of toys out via CalExotics. And Tulisa Contostavios, X-Factor judge and lead singer for N-Dubz, has just been offered – hold onto your inexpensive hat – 200,000 pounds (about $315,592) to design a line of sex toys for LoveHoney.
It’s hard to knock the entrepreneurial spirit and if famous people are now going to be lending their names to adult toys we have some suggestions. Here then, are a few celebrity toys we’d like to see out there that would make a good match for their talents and reputations:
1. The Little Monster For me personally the most important element of a sex toy is power; if I could get one with an outboard engine I would. Since Lady Gaga was named Forbes Most Powerful Celebrity – beating out Oprah, ferpetessake – she’s the clear choice to be the name attached to a toy so powerful your past life identities will have orgasms when you use it. It comes in shades nude, houndstooth and meat and has it’s own egg-shaped case for storage.
2. Oh Captain, My Captain William Shatner has been in everything. He’s been an actor, a talk show host, a pitchman, a recording artist – he even appeared in an Esperanto horror film. It’s for that reason that William Shatner should be the face associated with the most multifunction toy ever created, something with more rhythms than a Casio, more speed options than a Cuisinart and so many special effects you practically have to have a pilot’s license to operate it. Plus it will keep going far, far longer than anyone ever imagined it would. It will always make you happy.
3. You’re In Heidi Klum is a glamorous, successful fashionista – who better to design a sexy, wearable vibe? We trust Heidi to make one that’s sexier and more effective than anything on the market. She could make a competition out of it on Project Runway (we imagine the Austin Scarlett version secured within a bridal gown or the Kenley Collins version tucked into a Bettie Page-style bikini) or she could hit up some of her famous friends like Michael Kors but however she makes it happen Heidi is a shoe-in to produce design gold.
4. The Sheik Rudolph Valentino was one of the most adored actors of the silent film star era. He was such a hearth throb that people rioted when they heard of his untimely death. Anything that would bear Valentino’s name would have to be the best of it’s type and the most important feature of this elegant vibe – it’s silence – which would only be matched by it’s intensity. The experience will be remembered with dreamy-eyed fondness for decades.
5. Take Two If you were going to base a sexy new product for couples on anyone it would have to be the world’s sexiest couple, right? That’s why we pick Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz to be the emblems of a new We-Vibe type toy that’s wearable during sex to give both parties a serious pleasure boost. A uniter, not a divider, this vibe is perfect for their vibe – gorgeous, sophisticated and happy.